


Shingeki no Nutcracker: A Crackfic

by shatteringgalaxies



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fantasy, Christmas, F/M, Humor, crackfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-07
Updated: 2015-04-07
Packaged: 2018-03-21 16:32:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,750
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3699251
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shatteringgalaxies/pseuds/shatteringgalaxies
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's Christmas Eve and you and your family are holding a celebration in your home. Your strange family friend Hanji is invited, too, and they bring gifts for you and your brother Armin. But what happens when your present comes alive, and comes with you to a strange, humorous world which you had no idea existed?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Shingeki no Nutcracker: A Crackfic

**Author's Note:**

> This is a crackfic, meant to be humorous, and goes along mildy with the plot of the traditional tale of The Nutcracker by E.T.A. Hoffman. It also features multiple references to The Wizard of Oz by L. Frank Baum. There is strong language and mild violence included in this piece.

It was beautiful, enchanting even. A small tear escaped from the corner of your eye and cascaded down your face.

"Do you like it?" Hanji asked, leaning over the table drunkenly, a bottle of beer in hand.

" _HELL_ YEAH!" you shrieked, ripping the poor item from its box and throwing it to the side, "IT'S THE MOST PERFECT BOX I'VE EVER SEEN! I MEAN LOOK AT THE STRAIGHT LINES AND SLEEK SIDES AND- _DAMN_ THOSE EDGES!"

You ran up to them and squeezed them in a tight hug, chanting "thank you" over and over again, as if your life depended on it.

"Um, well," Hanji started, "Your present was actually the doll, but I guess if you like the box... that's good enough for me!", and together you skipped out of the living room, off to the kitchen to eat all the deserts before anyone else could as much as see them.

Little did you know, Armin, your younger brother, had seen the whole gift-giving episode that had just occurred, and ran to check on the statuette you had tossed in a corner. Picking it up, he carefully dusted the dirt off the green cape it wore, and wiped the grime off its complexion.

It had fierce grey eyes, and sharp, chiseled features. An unsatisfied frown embroidered its countenance, giving it an overall intimidating look. And wow... it was a rather small doll. He held up the one that Hanji had given him, comparing the size.

"Shorty," he smirked, acknowledging the fact that his was much larger than "Levi" (which he assumed was it's name since that was what was imprinted on the soles of it's shoes).

"YO ARMIN," your voice suddenly rang through the house, "DINNER'S READY!"

"COMING, (F/N)!" he yelled back, before gently placing both the figurines under the Christmas tree.

***

After dinner, you were completely and utterly exhausted. “Whew, opening presents to see what you got without anyone knowing sure is a lot of hard work,” you said to yourself, walking back into the living room, “Time for my beauty rest.”

You flopped onto the love seat by the fireplace and tucked yourself into the quilt that rested there, falling asleep immediately, snores emanating from your being.

***

You felt something poking your foot, arousing you from your slumber. “Armin, when I get my hands on you…” you mumbled drowsily, sitting up and grabbing at whatever had awakened you. Deeming it a waste of effort, you attempted to slide back into your previous state of unconsciousness, until a voice spoke in your ear.

“Hey, shithead, wake up. Or else you’ll be asleep. _Permanently_."

You jumped up, startled. And there, before you, was a hella short hot man. Or a short hella hot man. Both worked.

He had raven-black hair and and enticing silver eyes, but again, dang was he short. Strange machinery hung at his sides, seemingly attached to him by thick straps that adorned pretty much everywhere from his shoulders to his feet. A thick, forest green cape over his beige jacket, with an emblem of wings which you did not recognize on the back, and a cravat carefully placed at his collar topped the look, playing up his attractiveness.

“Hello there, short hot man, my name is (F/N) (L/N), may I have the honor of knowing yours?”

He looked at you with an annoyed expression, a monotone “No,” leaving his lips, “And get the fuck up, brat, unless you want to be titan meat.”

Pouting, you stood up and asked what a titan was.

Then you noticed that everything around you was larger than it should’ve been. You were sinking into the sofa, the duvet was now a sea of fluff before you, and the nearby lamp was towering over you.

You started panicking, “WHAT THE FRIKKIN-FRECKLED-MARIACHI-BAGELS IS GOING ON WHO THE FUCK ARE ARE YOU WHY THE EVER FLYING FUCK IS EVERYTHING SO BIG AND WILL YOU FUCKING MARRY ME- _MMMMHMHMMHMHMM_ …”, the man had slapped his hand over your mouth, causing you to cease your prattle.

“Shut the hell up, moron, there are titans in the area, you’re drawing them to us.”

Still confused about what exactly titans were, you poked him in the cheek and gave him a questioning look.

He sighed, then pulled you to the edge of the sofa so you could look over the edge. Little humanoid monsters roamed the floor, annihilating Christmas ornaments they could reach and just making a general mess of everything. “Those, brat,” he stated, “are titans.”

“Well, fuck.”

Suddenly another male, with teal-green eyes and messy brown hair, swooped down beside you, with similar getup as the pokerfaced man next to you, “Captain Levi, I’ve located the Titan King Bertholdt.” So his name is Levi, huh?

“Well then, Cadet, lead me to him!” he snarled at the newcomer.

“But Captain… the dude’s pretty tall…”

“Eren. Fucking. Jaeger. You did not just go there.”

“I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’LL CLEAN THE STABLES FOR A MONTH JUST DON’T HURT ME LET’S JUST FORGET ABOUT THIS OKAY I’M SORRY!” Eren shrieked, running maniacally in the other direction.

“So uh… who was that guy?” you asked, confused.

“Cadet Eren Jaeger of the Survey Corps, graduate of the 104th Trainees Squad,” Levi answered, “He has the ability to turn into a titan, but for some reason it hasn’t been working lately. And the brat really has no idea when to stop running his mouth.”

“Oh, okay. Well, shouldn’t you go down there and be all heroic and shit with your... um… little spidey powers?”

He glared at you, then pulled out a duster from under his cape. “Here,” he said, “Use this to fend off some of those loathsome creatures.”

You watched him pull out a mop for himself, and a couple bandanas to cover his mouth and hair.

“Levi, a duster?” You sincerely doubted it would do much against one of the beasts destroying your living room, but there was always a chance it had magical properties.

“Yes, a duster. You underestimate the power of cleaning supplies, (F/N),” he responded, then jumped down into the warzone below, spinning his mop like a bow staff and sneaking through the ruckus like a ninja.

“BUT DON’T YOU HAVE SWORD-THINGIES IN YOUR METAL CONTAINER-THINGIES?!” you yelled after him, but it was too late, he was already battling three titans at once, all of them triple his size.

You groaned, then awkwardly slid down the edge of the sofa to go help him.

***

You were lost. In your own living room.

_He was literally right here! Where did he go? Fucking midget-man._

Suddenly you felt something wrap around your waist, and you were lifted into the air. A titan had grabbed hold of you and twisted you around so you could see it’s Cheshire cat grin.

“LEVI!” you screamed at the top of your lungs, “WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU, SHORT-STACK?!”

No one came for you, and the titan was bringing you closer and closer to its gaping mouth. You closed your eyes, accepting your fate, when suddenly you heard the _foosh-foosh_ of a spray bottle, and a loud _thwack_ as something got hit.

You looked to see Levi, standing over the titan’s defeated body, the mark of his broom of on its forehead, and hands clawing at its eyes as if they were burning.

“Levi, did you use _cleaning supplies_ to kill this thing?”

“Yes, I told you not to underestimate the power of Broomy and Mr. FitzBottle. But the thing isn't dead, you have to slice the nape of their neck to kill one of their kind. Now let’s go, Eren can’t seem to handle Bertholdt by himself.”

“And you think you can?”

“Bitch, _please_."

You didn't doubt him this time, after having witnessed him take down a titan (well, you had your eyes closed, but still) with a squirt bottle and a mop.

***

“YOU FUCKING SAID YOU COULD HANDLE THIS GUY! WHAT NOW, MR. CLEAN?!” you screeched at Levi, repeatedly hitting your duster on the Titan King’s leg. Bertholdt was holding the male up by his foot, giggling at the exasperated face he was making, meanwhile, unknown to you, Eren had made a run for it while you two held the attention of the titan.

“(F/N).”

“WHAT?!”

“Use the duster properly, in the way of the Windex. You’re not doing any damage just banging it on his appendage, hit him somewhere where it counts.”

“LEVI THE PROPER USE OF A DUSTER IS TO _DUST_ , DAMMIT! WINDEX IS A _CLEANING SUBSTANCE_ , NOT SOME SENSEI FROM SOME ‘ _KARATE KID_ ’ MOVIE! AND IF YOU HAVEN’T NOTICED YET, THESE GUYS HAVE NO GENITALS SO WHERE THE FUCK IS ‘ _WHERE IT COUNTS_ ’?!”

“Pressure points, idiot.”

“AND HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHERE _THOSE ARE_?!”

“A hit to the-”

“YOU KNOW WHAT, LEVI? _SHUT IT_ ,” you yelled, then backed up so that you didn't have to tilt your head at such an uncomfortable angle to see the titan’s face.

“HEY MUSCLE FACE,” you hollered, “GET YOUR OWN HOT GUY!”

And with that, you took off a shoe (a purple stiletto you got for ten bucks from a shady-looking Pokemon Master driving a mule-drawn carriage), and tossed it as hard as you could at the colossal titan in front of you. It didn't really go that high up, or even hit the target with much force, but Bertholdt screamed and dropped Levi, running to a portal that just popped up out of nowhere, tears sliding down his face.

All the other titans saw their king leaving, and made a mad dash to follow him to whatever place he was heading next. In a few minutes, the outlandish portal had closed and all of the destructive creatures were gone, the scattered shreds of wrapping paper and cracked ornaments the only proof they were ever there at all.

“Well,” Levi said, “I guess our job here is done,” Levi said somberly. But, you weren't paying attention.

“Look!” you whispered, pointing behind the short man, “A pony!”

Levi turned around, and he saw… A horse standing on two legs, wearing the Survey Corps uniform without the boots, and pulling a sleigh out of a random new portal that just popped up.

“Hey!” it greeted, “My name’s Jean! I’m from an alternate universe where there’s candy and snow! Now don’t ask questions, just jump in my sleigh and let’s go.”

“Wait-” Levi started, but then he was interrupted by you agreeing to go with this strange new horse-creature to wherever-the-hell he was heading.

“(F/N)!” Levi pulled you to the side, “We don’t even know this shitty-ass motherfucker, why are you going with him?”

“Well,” you replied, “You don’t have to go with me. I just really want to check out this place filled with candy and snow that he’s talking about.”

“Are you kidding me?! Of course I have to, I belong to you!”

“Wait... What?”

“I’m that doll you threw in that horribly, horribly filthy corner, which, by the way, you’re going to get punished for later. Anyway, something happened and now you’re freakishly’ tiny, and I’m a living, breathing human. Or at least a doll-sized human.”

“Levi, even if you got to what you considered ‘life-sized’, I think most people would still think you’re a doll, just one of those slightly larger ones.”  
He gave you a murderous look, but let you drag him back to Jean. “Okay, we’re ready, take us to this land of snow and candy!” you commanded.

“WAIT!” someone yelled in the background, “WAIT FOR MEEE!!!!”

You gasped as an airborne Eren slammed into the back of the sleigh. “Eren!” you shrieked, “Are you okay?!”

He hopped up and spit a loose tooth to the side, “Just golden.”

“But-”

“Calm down, (F/N),” Levi interfered, “He can regenerate like a fucking starfish. It’s part of his titan abilities.”

You nodded, and hopped in the sleigh, prepared to face whatever lay beyond the portal Jean was taking you through.

***

“Hey Jean?” you called out to the being pulling the sleigh.

“ _What is it, (F/N)_?”

“How do you know what direction we’re supposed to go?”

“We follow the yellow-brick road.”

“But isn't that from some story about a lion and a tin man and some dog named Toto?”

“Never heard of it.”

You shrugged and leaned into your seat, “I don’t see a yellow brick road anywhere. All I see is this snow.”

“That’s because the snow is covering the yellowness of it.”

“Hey horseface!” Eren yelled, “Then what’s _that_?”

“Huh?”

You turned to see the brunette pointing at a bright yellow path in the distance.

“Oh, uh,” Jean struggled to find an answer, “That’s a fake.”

“The fuck, Jean. It’s the only yellow road in sight. You’re going the wrong way!”

“No, I’m not! You’re wrong, and I’m right! I know this place like the back of my hand, I know where I’m going!”

“THEN YOU DON’T KNOW THE BACK OF YOUR HAND VERY WELL! IT MIGHT BE BECAUSE YOU HAVE _HOOVES_!”

“FUCK YOU, EREN!”

“JUST TAKE THE YELLOW DAMN ROAD, FUCKING MORON!” Levi shouted, “IT’S NOT THAT HARD!”

“FINE!”

And with that, Jean pulled in the direction of the daffodil-colored path, angry about being proven incorrect with his knowledge of the area.

***

“THEY’RE _LEGOS_!” Jean shrieked at the top of his lungs, “THEY’RE FUCKING _LEGO BRICKS_! ARE YOU FUCKING _KIDDING ME_?! FUCKING LITTLE PLASTIC BITCHES!”

He was attempting to step lightly, so it wouldn’t hurt as much, though it didn’t seem to make much of a difference. Eren found this amusing.

Ignoring Jean’s obscenities and pterodactyl screeches, you starting singing “Jingle Bells”, in hopes to lighten the mood and make the trip less boring.

“ _Jingle bells! Jingle bells! Jingle all the_ -”

Suddenly a snowball hit you in the face.

You wiped countenance with your sleeve and growled, “Who did that?”

Eren seemed to have found a bunch of carrots in a hidden compartment, and was evilly sliding over to Jean, who was occupied with surviving the road. And Levi… Levi was looking at the scenery and _smirking_.

“Levi,” you snarled, “Was that you?”

His smile grew, right up until he saw the satanic look in your eyes, “ _Shit_.”

“ _I suggest you apologize_.”

He backed into the corner of the sleigh, and started… _singing_?

“ _LET IT GOOO_! LET IT GOOO!”

You watched him in awe, forgetting about the snowball he threw at you, then clapped your hands together and squealed “ _YASSS BITCH_ , THIS IS MY _JAM_!”

You started singing together, Jean (who somehow became immune to the legos) giving you absurd looks while Eren gasped and joined in. It seemed like Jean needed a modern media education.

And, unfortunately for him, the singing went on for quite some time, up until you noticed movement on the horizon. Silhouettes danced and spun in the air, lithe as birds taking flight. _Are those people?_

“Jean, can you stop for a second?” you requested.

He nodded and held still, but then suddenly jerked back into motion.

“Jean!”

“You said for a second.”

“That means for a minute or two!”

He huffed and stayed put, waiting for you to give him a signal when you were ready to continue.

“Is it just me,” you said quietly, “Or are those people in the distance? And are they getting closer?”

“Oh, yeah!” Jean replied, “Those are the snow fairies. They welcome you when you’re close to arriving to the city. They’re pretty chill, and there’s a really cute girl with short hair and big bambi eyes, I swear she’s one of the most adorable creatures in this dimension. But there’s this one guy who likes her, I swear he acts just like Levi and has the cravat and everything, and he constantly bites his tongue. It gets pretty annoying, especially since he also acts like he’s better than all of us.”

Eren started laughing, “Yep, sounds just like Levi!”

The onyx-haired male growled and hit the other Survey Corps member on the back of the head with his mop.

“Well, let’s go see them then,” you giggled, “They sound like an interesting bunch!”

“Too late,” Jean stated, “They’ve seen us and are coming our way, instead.”

A group of four fairies came up to the sleigh, their paper-thin wings and white silk robes seeming to have a gravity of their own.

“Hello, I’m Petra,” a small, ginger-haired girl chirped, putting out her hand. You shook it and admired her beautiful big eyes. _So kawaiiiiiii..._

The other fairies introduced themselves right after, and you managed to catch the names Eld, Oluo, and Gunther.

“I’m Eren,” the green-eyed boy said to them, “The horseface is Jean, the midget cleaning-freak is Levi, and the pretty girl next to him is (F/N).”

You blushed, while Levi and Jean simultaneously started walking towards Eren, rolling up their sleeves with a violent intent.

He gulped, and backed away, a strong look of fear in his guys, “You know what, guys? I think it’s time for me to go…” And he ran off, scurrying into the sunset.

“Well,” Levi muttered, “At least that’s one less mouth to feed.”

You rolled your eyes, and waved Eren goodbye, then turned back to the fairies, “So… is there something you’re supposed to tell us? Like a secret password we need to get into the city? Or maybe some special berries to help us pass whatever tests the leader might make us take to see if we’re “worthy” of being there?”

“Nope,” Petra responded, “We just welcome you. So, uh, WELCOME TO OUR HUMBLE CITY!!!” There was a poof and suddenly all the fairies were gone.

“Okay…” you murmured, “I guess that’s over with.”

***

Finally, after twenty-five more minutes of riding the sleigh (with three attempts at singing “ _We’re Off to See the Wizard_ ”, each one disrupted by Levi threatening to shove his windex up your ass) you and your merry band of a horseface and and a germaphobe had reached the city, and were awkwardly trying to locate the castle which a random vendor at a samosa stall said you should report to.

“WHAT THE HELL?! SHOULDN’T THE CASTLE BE LIKE ONE OF THE BIGGEST THINGS IN THE CITY?! WHAT IS UP WITH THIS PLACE?!” you shouted to the sky, throwing up your arms in utter pissed-off-ness.

“Maybe it’s that thing over there,” Levi pointed at a large stone structure a couple hundred feet away. A banner hung at it’s entrance, bearing the words, “THE ROYAL CASTLE, YOU TURDS” in a large, exquisite script.

You glanced at it for a second, then said that it was probably a tourist attraction or something. Levi flicked you on the forehead and marched towards the building, Jean rushing after him.

Left behind in the chaos of the city (it had been thirty seconds and you had already seen four suspicious-looking characters trade briefcases), you decided it was probably best to stick together, and followed them.

***

The castle was a lot smaller on the interior than it looked from outside. But it was still large enough to accommodate fifty-two blue whales and an orca, if need be.

You searched for Levi and Jean, finding them standing in front of an empty throne.

“Hey, guys, what are you doing?”

“Nice to see you finally came, brat. We were told to stay in here and wait for “the wizard” to make his appearance.” Levi drawled, staring off into space with a completely bored expression on his face.

“The wizard?”

“Apparently so.”

Out of the blue, a deep voice spoke, echoing through the chamber, “ _Who dares disturb Erwin, the Great and Powerful?_ ”. Without warning, a face flashed on the wall in front of you, tinted a bright green.

“Uh, sir,” you commented, “Are you sure you’re using the right, um, entrance? We don’t exactly have a tin man, a lion, a scarecrow, and red shoes like you may have been expecting.”

“ _Then what do you have?_ ” the voice boomed.

“We got some booty!” Jean provided. You slapped him with your duster (which you were still carrying around for some reason) and faced the disembodied digital bust once again.

“Well, we have a horseface, a short clean freak with a potty mouth, a mop, a duster, a half-empty bottle of windex, and me.”

“NO! I WON’T GIVE UP BROOMY AND MR. FITZBOTTLE! YOU CAN’T MAKE ME! YOU HEAR ME, WOMAN?!” Levi roared, holding the cleaning supplies to his chest protectively. Meanwhile Jean was sobbing, seated in a gloomy corner, rocking back and forth, “ _Marcooo_! Why does everyone call me a horse?! You don’t think I’m a horseface, right?”

You groaned and shook your head, wondering how you survived a ten-hour long ride with those guys.

“ _Oh, so you’re the group with the freaks of nature, right? I think I’m supposed to use the Sugar Plum Fairy outfit for this. Hold on, I’ll be right back. Feel free to take some gingerbread cookies._ ” The digital head disappeared, and a tray of cookies popped up beside you. You grabbed one and started nibbling on it, passively watching Jean mutter incoherent things to himself, once in a while hearing the name “Marco” and the words “horse”, “handsome”, and “cheesecake”. Levi had discovered the castle to be completely filthy, and was frantically scrubbing at the floor, eyes shining with resolve.

The “wizard” appeared beside you, and once again introduced himself as Erwin, with the added title of “the Sugar Plum Fairy”. He had changed into a cotton-candy-pink tutu with and ballet shoes with a white leotard and tights. Ethereal fairy wings were situated on his back, one a dark licorice shade, the other a brilliant alabaster.

“May I know your story?” he asked you.

“What do you mean by that?”

“How you got here and all that jazz.”

“Oh, well... _It started when a family friend gave me a gift_ …”

 

After you had informed Erwin of everything he would ever want to know about your day, he made a proposition.

“Do you guys want to join the Candy Corps?”

“And that is…”

“It’s a military branch that protects all the citizens from outside forces that could cause harm. Like titans.”

“Then why do you call it the Candy Corps? Shouldn’t it have a more serious name?”

“What could be more serious than candy?”

“True. Also, I was told that were confections awaiting us in this city...”

But Erwin wasn’t listening, he was approaching Jean and Levi about the Corps. Jean just stared at him and continued to sob, while Levi shrugged and muttered a fleeting “Okay,” before returning to his cleaning.

Surprised, Erwin asked him once again, sure that the male wasn’t listening to him properly the first time, “YES, I'M SURE, YOU SHIT-HEAD FAIRY! It’s a choice with no regrets.”

“But your life is constantly going to be in danger!”

“Okay.”

“But-”

“I SAID OKAY SHOULDN’T YOU BE CELEBRATING OR SOME SHIT?!”

Erwin stood there pondering his statement, before calling down his staff.

“Okay guys,” he told them, “We’re throwing a party!”

They nodded and got to it, each person heading off in a different direction.

***

It was two hours into the celebration and half of the attendees were already drunk and dancing shamelessly under the flashing lights and the disco ball. Somehow Eren had appeared and was passing out free drinks and collectible bottle caps. Jean was snarfing down carrots and barley at an empty table in the back, and Levi was trying to teach you how to dance the macarena, which was playing at the moment, remixed with some rap song you didn't know.

"You dumbass, all you have to do is put your hand out, then the other, then you-"

Something crashed through the roof, and the lights flickered before going back to normal.

A beautiful Asian girl wearing a red scarf and a Santa outfit was slumped under the hole in the ceiling, tucked in a burgundy sleigh. She shook off the residue that was stuck to her from the fall, and got up with a prodigious, lumpy bag swung over her shoulder.

"Santa?!" someone yelled, full of hope.

"No, I'm his assistant, Mikasa. Ho, ho, ho, motherfuckers," she said in monotone voice, taking out coal from her bag and throwing it into the crowd.

Disappointed voices rang out, complaining.

"Oh, come on," a rough-looking blond boy with a reindeer antler accessory said, unharnessing himself from the sleigh the girl was just in, "You all know you've done something bad this year."

"Who the hell are you?" Levi asked, his nose scrunched up in disgust.

"I'm Reiner."

"So, are you some weird reindeer-man, or...?"

"I'm subbing for the flying reindeer actually, since I can turn into a titan and cover a lot of distance. The antler headband is just for show."

"YOU CAN _WHAT_ , _NOW_?!"

"Levi," you whispered to him, "Not here. Just forget about it."

" _BUT_... FINE."

After another few hours of getting down with a bunch of strangers and consuming vast amounts of candy, you decided you should start figuring out a way to get home. There were, after all, presents to unwrap (even though you knew what they were). You tapped a finger on your chin, thinking.

 _Well, this is kind of like The Wizard of Oz, even though I think it was supposed to be like_ The Nutcracker _. So I guess I can think of ideas based on that, too. In_ The Nutcracker _, I'm pretty sure the Sugar Plum Fairy sends them home to grant a wish or something._ You glanced at Erwin, who was playing Limbo with a bunch of wealthy-looking people. _I guess that isn't an option. Well, in_ The Wizard of Oz _it turned out that everything was just a dream, so maybe I should try falling asleep here and see if I wake up back there?_ Considering that option worth a try, you traversed deeper into the castle, searching for a place where you wouldn't hear the pounding of the bass.

You managed to find a cozy little room featuring a large bookshelf, a dim lamp, and a fluffy armchair. Best of all, there was nothing to be heard but silence. Making yourself comfortable, you sighed and closed your eyes, wondering if everything that had happened actually _was_ a dream.

***

You woke up to someone shaking you, hands gripping your shoulders, “Wake-up, brat!”

You snapped your eyes open, seeing Levi with a grouchy look on his face.

 _So it didn’t work..._ The thought made you sad for some reason, and you felt an odd empty sensation in your chest.

“Levi, how am I going to get home?”

“You are home, dipshit.”

“What?” you said, confused. You proceeded to look around, ecstatic to discover that you actually were home. But one thing didn’t make sense, “Levi, why are you here? I thought it all might’ve been a dream. And even though it’s not, didn’t you agree to join the Candy Corps?”

“Erwin said that he could grant one wish, and since we couldn’t find you, I made a wish instead.”

“What was it?”

“That you and I could go back home, life-sized, human, and healthy. And in time for Christmas, since I thought that might’ve been what you would wish for.”

“But isn’t that a bunch of wishes mashed together?”

“Yeah, but Erwin was mildly drunk, so I was able to get it past him.”

You grinned and pulled Levi into an embrace, “Thank you for being so sweet, Levi. It means a lot. Especially coming from a grumpy clean-freak like you.”

You didn’t realize, since you were hugging him and not looking at his face, but Levi was blushing and wearing a genuine smile, “You’re welcome, brat.”

“But Levi,” you said, pulling away from him, “That doesn’t really answer why you’re here, and why did you want to be life-sized?”

“I had some unfinished business I had to take care of,” he whispered, almost seductively, “And somethings are easier to do when you’re life-sized, _don’t ya' think_ , _(F/N)_?”

“L-like what?” you stuttered, your face turning a bright shade of red.

“CLEANING!” Levi squealed, jumping up and down for a few seconds before rushing off to find something that needed his services.

You watched him, shocked, as he started cleaning out your chimney. _DAMMIT, LEVI!_

***

**Reiner the Titan-Shifter** (Sung to “ _Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer_ ”)

 

_Reiner the titan-shifter_

_Had a very big secret_

_If you ever saw him in_

_His big-as-shit titan form_

 

Someone help me I have no idea how to do this.


End file.
